Tuesday, October 13, 2015

My Turn-Ons Include...

So the BIG NEWS this week is that Playboy won't be printing images of naked women in their magazine anymore!!  I'll give you a minute to digest that news (and to read the article behind the link) because I know that it is JUST SO SHOCKING you'll need a second.  Are we all up to speed?  Good.

The article makes a very good point:  nowadays (and I just aged 89 years writing that word) but nowadays, you don't NEED to scrape together your paper route money and convince your older brother to buy you a Playboy magazine in order to see naked boobies.  You just deftly shut off the parental controls on your internet browser and Google...well...anything.  In the Age of the Internet, All Search Roads Lead To Porn.  That's a lot easier than finagling a way to steal your cool friends' dad's old magazines, and cheaper on your allowance funds.

When Playboy debuted in 1953, this was the image of Marilyn Monroe that they displayed on the cover:

I challenge you, next time you're standing in the checkout at the grocery store, to find a magazine with a woman on the cover wearing MORE CLOTHES than Marilyn is wearing on that cover.  Is it a tabloid.  Is it a picture of the reigning Queen of England.  I rest my case.  Nudity isn't just easier to find on the Internet, but the idea that "sex sells" is everywhere.  Why pay for Playboy when you can buy any other magazine? 

Of course, the most impressive feature boasted by the Playboy franchise was the centerfold.  Quite genius, actually.  Featuring a nude or mostly-nude model in a pose suggestive of writhing in self-pleasure, this was the draw, at least, for people who were interested in more than the articles.  The centerfold was a star, and she was interviewed about her hometown, pets, aspirations, and her turn-ons.  I think that last part is amazing.  Even when the answer is a glib "a man who cleans up after himself," the notion of asking a woman what she wants is a small step in the right direction.  This centerfold, guys, is not an object easily had.  This is a woman who knows what she wants, is self-assertive, and isn't going to settle for less than "candlelit dinners and long walks on the beach."
My turn-ons, FYI, include feminism, sex-positivity, and evolution.  So when Playboy says they're going to include a "sex-positive, feminist" sex advice column, this could only be the clear evolution of asking its centerfolds about her turn-ons.  I can't wait to see how this manifests in future issues.

I think it's smart of Playboy to realize that times have changed, and to change along with them.  I'm excited to see them moving in the direction of titillation, and away from just TITS!  Even if this is a publicity stunt to get people's attention to drive up sales, they've piqued my curiosity.  My turn-ons also include novelty, and I'm willing to bet a lot of people feel the same way, too.

Monday, October 12, 2015

Subway Report Card

Every year, the NYPIRG Straphangers Campaign evaluate every line of the NYC Subway according to their criteria and rank it from BEST to WORST, publishing a "Subway Report Card" to help us know which lines to avoid.  How do they determine which subways are up to snuff and which can suck it?  By asking themselves, "What do New Yorkers want?"

"What do subway riders want?

They want short waits, trains that arrive regularly, a chance for a seat, a clean car, and understandable announcements that tell them what they need to know."

Oh ho really.

Maybe in Wichita, Kansas!  But this is New York, home of high taste, demanding attitudes and five-minute Starbucks orders.  A city that demands its half-caff skim milk double blended mocha frappuccino with extra whip isn't going to settle for "short waits" and "sitting down."  We've built an entire culture around complaining, and guess what?  I'm about to do Just That.  Here, NYPIRG Straphangers Campaign, is your NEW criteria for NEXT YEAR:

- Manspreading 

Manspreading has always been a scourge, but it seems to be, ahem, spreading faster than ever.  What train lines have the biggest problem with men "letting it all hang out," NYPIRG??  Why is it that a dude on the A train needs 5 meters of thigh spread while guys on the G train are able to keep their knees together??  We'll need to do a series of tests to isolate the source of this.  Maybe some stopping, maybe some frisking to help determine if manspreaders actually need that room, or if they're overcompensating.

- Urine 

Yeah, NYPIRG, litter is a problem, but it's when people turn the car into a litter box that I really take issue.  Guys, just hold it until you can get to a Starbucks, like we all do!  If I could count the number of times I've seen public urination on public transportation...

- Groping

Okay, but seriously now.  Every woman in NYC has a story of being touched in public.  Groping is a fact of life.  I had my butt grabbed on the train once, too.  Subway groping is probably the one reason I'd go out of my way to avoid a certain train.  THIS, NYPIRG, would be an actually useful piece of information!  How about it, HUH?

- "Showtime!"

NYPIRG, nobody likes getting kicked in the face on their commute.  We hate it almost as much as the morning rush hour E train preachers.  Give trains demerits for bad breakdancers and self-ordained preachers, like they deserve.

Ultimately, however, all the data you can compile isn't going to matter.  New Yorkers can't avoid trains just because they don't like them (I hate you forever, D train!).  You take the train you live near, and that's that.  Look, if you really can't stand your train, you'll just have to move somewhere else...which brings us to the State of New York City Real Estate Report Card and we never, ever want to go there.

Sunday, October 11, 2015

How to Ruin Comic Con

So many helpful articles on the Internet already exist to tell you how to SURVIVE a comic convention, how to GET THE MOST OUT OF a comic convention, blah blah blah.  I was going to write that article but damn, it's already been done did-ed already!  So instead, in the interest of humor, let's take the opposite track:  Here's not only how to NOT survive comic con (wrath of nerds!) but to completely ruin it for everyone else:

Claim to be doing field testing on superhero combat gear, and attempt to tickle cosplayers in Spandex bodysuits.

Get in bathroom lines and ask who's signing autographs

Ask girls dressed up as Sailor Scouts if they're on their way to cheerleading practice.

Try to ride R2D2 around when you're tired

Confuse Star Wars and Star Trek fandoms

Argue with Batman that his only superpower is straight white cis male priviledge

There you have it!  I can pretty much guarantee if you do these things, you will be The Worst and might get chased out of Comic Con by a hoarde of angry nerds!  Good luck, have fun, and don't forget to accidentally unplug things at random!!!

Friday, October 9, 2015

5 Fandom Friday: Hey Teacher...

This topic is near and dear to my heart, since I worked in a school for a year and definitely had delusions of wanting to be a teacher (!!!) for a while, and though that didn't really pan out, I do have massive respect for these fictional teachers for actually doing it!

1.  Miss Mason, Grease 2  with her unstructured updo, tight dresses and chiffon scarf knotted at the neck, she is the epitome of the sexy teacher!  Soft-spoken as Marilyn Monroe and just as blonde, Miss Mason is the sexy teacher we all secretly wish we could be as cool as her!

2.  Edna Krabapple, The Simpsons  don't we always feel a little bit sorry for her?  If Miss Mason is the dream, Mrs. Krabapple is the reality. 

3.  Giles, Buffy the Vampire Slayer  is sort of a teacher?  He works in a school?  And he teaches Buffy how to be a slayer?  Okay, it counts.  'Specially cuz he really gets what it means to be a teacher... DRINKING TO AVOID YOUR REALITY.

4.  George M. Helmholtz, "The Kid Nobody Could Handle" by Kurt Vonnegut  okay, this one brings tears to my eyes.  I actually taught this story to my students...who probably didn't appreciate it.  Whatever.  This story ought to make you cry, too, especially if you listen to "Stars and Stripes Forever" after reading it.  Or during.  Basically, the world of Helmholtz (and Jim Donnini) will shake you to the core and leave you changed.  I hope.  That's why I looked up to Helmholtz as I tried to reach my students and inspire them....  *sigh*

5.  "When I Kissed the Teacher" by ABBA  gotta leave you on an "up" note, so here's the peppy first track off ABBA's Arrival.  Vacillating between adorable and...statutory, this song takes me back to that time I had a crush on my teacher, and then immediately decided having a crush on one's teacher is gross.  My love for this song, however, has never wavered, unlike my fickle desires for that one college professor (HA HA JUST KIDDING) (not kidding).  Enjoy!  And then feel icky immediately afterwards!:

Thursday, October 8, 2015

Me? Unfriendly?

I did something I never thought I'd do the other day.  Something I always said I'd never do*.  For the first time, I unfriended someone on Facebook because I was offended.

*Let me be clear:  this is not the first time I've unfriended someone on Facebook, and I'm not against unfriending people who have stalked you, hurt you, or unfriending exes to get space after a breakup.  Those are all perfectly good reasons to unfriend on Facebook.

No, I'm talking about the type of unfriending that usually follows a status like this:

"I'm sick and tired of people on Facebook saying they support X!  I can't believe anybody would be such a horrible person to actually support X!  If you're in favor of X, I don't want to be your friend anymore in any way, shape or form!  If I see you posting about X in a way that I don't agree with, I WILL UNFRIEND YOU!!!"

And then...I unfriended him!


I realized I was in a weird relationship with this person.  I was tiptoeing around issues I'd normally post about (on this blog, on Twitter) because I didn't want to offend this one Facebook friend.  I let him have control over my life like that!  What??

Secondly, I realized I was tired of hearing this.  It felt like this "friend" spent all of his free time scouring the Internet for news articles to be offended by, then posting them to Facebook threatening to unfriend people over.  He was going out of his way to provoke fights with people, essentially.

Which brings me to my final point.  Remember when you were a kid, just learning how to be a human interacting with other humans?  You may have said, at some point in kindergarten, "If you don't let me have a turn on the swing, then I'm not going to be your friend anymore."  And you would have been a tiny little jerk for saying that. 

Then in grade school, you might have found yourself saying, "If you don't come to my sleepover this weekend, then we can't be friends anymore."  That would have made you a medium-sized jerk. 

If, in high school, you found yourself threatening, "If you don't tell me who you have a crush on, then I guess we aren't really friends," you were quite the large jerk.

BUT, if -- as an adult -- you find yourself typing into your Facebook:  "If you don't agree with everything I say about every issue out there, I don't even want to even be Internet friends with you!"

THEN, my Facebookiest of friend, You are a MASSIVE GAPING JERK of ALL JERKY JERKS.

Then, I will raise my middle finger, place it on the mouse, and I Will Unfriend You. 

Look, I have always believed that being friends with somebody means more than just agreeing all the time, having everything in common, and never saying anything the other person doesn't like.  In fact, I have numerous and plenty friends on Facebook who routinely post opinions I disagree with, things that make me uncomfortable, statements that offend me, and things that go against my personal beliefs.    Friendship is about transcending those differences, and being friends regardless - or have you missed the point of the animated movies The Fox and the Hound, Oliver and Company, Lady and the Tramp, The Jungle Book, Up, Wall-E, basically every Disney movie EVER?  If Ariel the mermaid can be friends with a fish and a crab, maybe you can stay Facebook friends with someone who occassionally challenges your opinions and doesn't always agree with you.  Or has gills.  Whatever.

Look, bottom line here:  I didn't become your friend to be guilted into silence, nod in agreement with everything you say, and tiptoe around your sensitive feelings.  That's not a good friendship at all.  And I won't remain your friend to stay blackmailed into silence.

Even if it is only Facebook.

See?  You can learn from cartoons.
And Paula Abdul.
Paula Abdul and MC Skat Kat dated for like, years after this video,
they made it work, people.

Wednesday, October 7, 2015

15 Minutes of Fame and Frappuccino

It's finally happened, guys.

When I started this blog over six years ago, I wanted to be a serious blogger.  With hundreds of followers, daily comments, and a community of readers following my every word and it. has. finally. happened.

WOW!  This is what it feels like!  THE BIG TIME!  I never dreamed of getting this kind of recognition for my work!

As I watched the likes and the comments pour in, I should have been happy.  But I wasn't.  Like Charlie Brown at Christmastime, something wasn't right.  I was angry that I work so hard on my blog, on what I have to say, to be reduced in fame to a pair of shoes and a frozen blended beverage.  This is why Britney shaved her head, Michael got all those nose jobs, and Miley thought she could twerk:

Then I remembered a little story about a man made famous in spite of himself.  Some of you may be old enough to be familiar with a rock and roll band known as Huey Lewis and the News.  But you MAY NOT know that Mr. Lewis never wanted to be a rock and roll star! That's right - he wanted to be a jazz musician.  Huey recorded some of the biggest rock and roll hits of the 80's despite being, at heart, a jazz man all along.

Weeks later, the frappuccino-frenzy has cooled down.  I'm back to being who I was all along:  a nobody.  Like Huey Lewis post- The News, I'm still doing what I love, only nobody's paying attention.  But "If This Is It," I'm still content.  Heck, wasn't it Mr. Lewis who once asserted it's "Hip to Be A Square"?  I've got my passion, my blog, and the "Power of Love" of blogging to keep me going!  Even if I get NO likes, NO comments, NO followers, NO readers...  my heart (of Rock 'n' Roll) is still beating...

Monday, October 5, 2015

School Shooting Curriculum

Since school shootings are just commonplace now, with no end in sight, and "safety drills" aren't effectively saving any lives, we must now resign ourselves to the fact that sending a child into the classroom to learn is in reality, sending them up before a firing squad.  School used to prepare kids for the future:  college, career, success.  But now, schools should take new aim (all puns intended) to prepare kids for their actual future:  getting shot.

School literature curriculum must change to fit in more literature related to school shootings to prepare kids for the eventuality of being gunned down in the classroom.  Hopefully, they'll make it far enough without being murdered to read:

Kindergarten:  Go, Dog, Go, into Lockdown
Welcome to the first day of school!  Now that you're here, you should know that there is a very real possibility of a gun-toting maniac opening fire in the classroom:

"Do you like my hat?"
"I do not."
"Then suck on the barrell of my revolver, bitch!"
Red dog cowers under a blue tree.
Blue dog cowers under a red tree.
Green dog cowers under a yellow tree.
Stop, dog, stop!
Stop shooting in the classroom!

It's all an allegory, really.  The dogs represent people.  Kindergartners are old enough to understand that, even if they aren't old enough yet to understand why random strangers with a shocking number of assault rifles want to murder them and their classmates.  Oh, the innocence of childhood.

Third Grade:  Fire and Ice (and Guns)

Around third grade is the time to start introducing kids to poetry.  Third grade is also the perfect time to suggest students bring their own guns to school - you know - just in case!  This take on Robert Frost's classic poem is NOT for pacifist wimps!

Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
But if a school shooting comes to pass
You're better off bringing your own gun to class.
According to any news report,
Pulling the trigger on your friends
From behind the safety of a desk fort
Is self-defence
And holds up in court.

6th Grade:  He Who Has The Gun is Lord of the Flies

What the hell is a conch, anyway?  Kids these days don't need to learn about shells or whatever.  They need to learn how to diffuse a situation where their classmate brings a weapon to school.  Crouch down and put your hands on your head!  Worked for A-bomb drills, didn't it?  Amazingly, however, everyone gets shot in this version.

10th Grade:  To Kill A Mockingbird (with an Automatic Rifle)

Basically the same as the original except when Bob Ewell shows up at the school Halloween pageant, he shoots and kills Jem, Scout, 8 of their classmates, and wounds seven more.  Boo Radley tackles Ewell to the ground, disarming him, but not before sustaining a fatal gunshot wound to the liver.  The authorities to take Ewell into custody.  Boo Radley dies on the way to the hospital and Atticus Finch delivers his eulogy, tearfully calling him a "hero."

12th Grade/High School Graduation:  Oh, The Places You'll Go (to Get Shot)

WOW, kid!  You made it through K-12 without getting murdered!  That, in itself, is an accomplishment!  But I've got some bad news for you if you plan to go on to college:  of the 45 school shootings in 2015, 17 of them occurred on college campuses.  At least you can prepare yourself for the exciting future ahead with this modernized adaptation of the Doctor Seuss classic:

Today is your day.
You're off to Great Places!
You're off and away!

Except when you don't.
Because, sometimes, you won't.

I'm sorry to say so
but, sadly, it's true
that a massive
classroom massacre
can still happen to you.

you can get shot at State Tech
blown away at Community U
in front of live television cameras
at the movie theatre or church pew

the one place you CAN'T go
(at least, I wouldn't recommend it)
is up before Congress
to question the need for the Second Amendment

or even dare to ask why

firearms in this country aren't regulated
school shootings must be necessary
because the world is so overpopulated!

Congratulations to you!
On making it through!
Buy yourself a gun or two,
for when they come after you!

Saturday, October 3, 2015

"That's All"

Trying to make people like you is really hard.

Trying to be funny, or outgoing, or smart, or whatever, it can be so much work.  Trying, trying, always trying to be perfect, and then to be better than perfect, is exhausting.

No wonder most days I'd rather keep to myself, phone it in, stay in my sweatpants and join a Twitter party instead of going out to an actual party.  OH!  Loud music, late nights, just...exhausting!  And having to put up the "perfect" facade on top of it - UGH.  Because that's what it takes to make friends, to win people over. 

But the truth is that most people really don't want to be friends with someone who's just faking.  Just trying to be perfect for the sake of making people like them.  It's a sham!  It's a ruse!  It's not the real you.

So, all I can offer is this.  Me.  I will continue to be vaguely offensive, overtly political, outspoken and imperfect.  I won't try to be funny for your sake.  It's too hard to keep up!  I'm gonna do me.  I'm too tired to play the game anymore.  That's all.

Friday, October 2, 2015

5 Fandom Friday: Apocalypse NO

The apocalypse is no fun, people.  Shit goes down, you gotta have a seriously good crew.  This week, we have the opportunity to assemble our apocalypse-proof posse to help us through these trying times.

1.  Buffy Summers 
has survived how many apocalypses now?  She's basically a pro at this.  I would have Buffy as my very first draft pick for my apocalypse squad. 

2.  Tony Stark / Iron Man  has all the gadgets cornered.  I feel safe on his side, and if worse comes to worse, he probably has the best state-of-the-art shelter around!  And if ya gotta be trapped in a fallout shelter with someone, just sayin', hubba hubba.

3.  Rose Tyler / Bad Wolf  can split atoms with her mind.  She's probably the most powerful person in the universe, having looked into the heart of the TARDIS.  She cursed Jack Harkness with immortality!  Rose would never let anything bad happen to her friends, so she's on my list for sure.

4.  Mal Reynolds  does a pretty good job of keeping his crew safe.  He doesn't have the skills of River Tam, however, she's also kind of a magnet for trouble.  Sorry!  It's true. 

5.  Kara "Starbuck" Thrace
  found Earth.  She found a thing that nobody thought even existed.  Whoever - and whatever - she is/was, she saved the humans AND the Cylons and basically...EVERYTHING.  After she saves your ass, you'd better thank her quick - because she may vanish completely.  Whoopsie! 

So there's my apocalypse crew!  I feel pretty confident with these choices.  Can't wait to see everyone else's!!

Thursday, October 1, 2015

Currently... in October

  Compared to last month?  Soooo much better.  Oh, I'm going out and doing things, taking on projects, I feel more confident in my ability to move on with my life and do things.  From little things like painting the bathroom and putting up the shelves in the office, to just touching up my roots the other day and going to the doctor's office!  I feel like I can do this.

  I have finally done it!  I have taken the plunge and am currently watching Star Trek!  I have resolved to boldly go along with Captain Picard and the Starfleet cast of The Next Generation for my first voyage and so far I am loving it!  It's different than how I expected insofar as I've watched a lot of really early sci fi (The Twilight Zone, Doctor Who) with its clunky charms and a lot of new, slick sci fi (Firefly/Serenity, Battlestar Galactica) with its speedy plotlines and cool effects, and TNG falls in the middle of that.  I like the diverse cast, subversion of gender roles, and it's shockingly well made, but still charming in the way that I hoped it would be.  I love it!

LISTENING TO:  I have been seeing some great live music acts lately!  Jazz bands at Saint Mazie's and The Heathens at the Heath!  

READING:  In a moment of weakness, I ordered four new Heinlein novels - it's an addiction, what can I say?!  They've started to arrive, and I've begun reading The Puppet Masters which reminds me a lot of Friday so far!  I'm also excited for The Moon is a Harsh Mistress and the follow-up The Rolling Stones and Starman Jones.  I think this all came about because I hadn't read a new Heinlein book since like, JUNE, and I was missing them!  Is it weird that his writerly voice feels like a friend to me?  IN OTHER NEWS, I have finally convinced my boyfriend to read U.K. LeGuin's The Left Hand of Darkness!  I'm so excited for him to experience it for the first time, I know he's going to love it!

WORKING ON:  I listed some of my projects above, but I want to take charge around here and get these things done.  But mainly, I've been putting my heart and soul into this blog!  Haven't you noticed?  I'm working on posting more personal updates, and trying to pump my brain for creative funny posts, and I hope it's paying off.  I would love, more than anything, for this blog to be more popular, but a lot of soul-searching shows me that I'm proud of my work whether nobody reads it at all, or I get 16 comments on a single post.  I think the bottom line is, do what makes you happy. 

THINKING ABOUT:  How to turn my passions into a money-making career?

EATING:  Well, we just discovered this amazing Indonesian restaurant down the street that is mind-blowingly delicious!  I can't wait to go back there again!  Also, I've been cooking arepas and eating spinach like my life depends on it.

I seriously cannot believe New York Comic Con is in like, A WEEK.  I'm so excited to go this year!  Halloween and all my tours as well - I'm really going for gusto with my performances now because I have nothing to hold me back.  I've started volunteering with the City Reliquary and I'm excited to get more involved over there!.

MAKING ME HAPPY:  Greenpointing on the weekends - I love my new neighborhood so much, seeing it makes me so happy!  Cooler temperatures are nice too - I love my warm weather clothes.  All these great books I can read now!  Hanging out with this guy and having vodka lemonade in the park!!

Wednesday, September 30, 2015

Dress Code Rules

School is back in session this year and already a hot topic:  DRESS CODES!  What girls wear, or don't wear, can make or break an educational environment.  You see, without strict dress codes dictating what girls can wear, female students will just wear whatever clothes they feel comfortable in, just like the little unrepentent whores they are!  And we all know that when girls wear clothes they feel comfortable in, boys in school cannot focus on their studies!

The truth boils down to this:

1.  School is boring

2.  Sex is interesting.

So how do we scare teen boys away from thinking about sex, and force them to concentrate on their studies?!?

By implementing  my  dress code:  THE UGLY SWEATER DRESS CODE.

The Kim Davis:  Hey Moms!  Worried about your boys being led astray by godless hussies whose arms are on display?  The Kim Davis layering sweater ensures that not only are your arms covered, they are doubly covered - In Ignorance!  God be praised, it's a modest-to-a-fault school uniform that promotes family values!  Side effects may include children born out of wedlock, multiple divorces, and becoming holier than thou.

The Wesley Crusher:  Offering full coverage and modest yet confusing futuristic patterns, this look renders the female form shapeless and unnappealing, forcing young boys to focus on their studies with the sartorial stylings of one futuristic whiz kid, played by Wil Wheaton.  This is a look that says "Hey!  You're never going to get into Starfleet, or even community tech, if you don't get those eyes off Suzie's shoulder blades and back on your geometry quiz!"

The Bill Cosby: Now, some of you feminists may be whining that pandering to male students sets female co-eds up as victims of an unfair system and blames them for circumstances beyond their control in a classic "victim blaming" maneuver.  So how do you avoid treating girls as victims?  Why, dress them up as predators!  Donning a Cosby sweater sends a message to the boys who may be tempted.  And that message is:  "Careful!  I may drop some drugs into your school lunch and you'll find yourself pantsless and snoring on the lacrosse field tomorrow morning!"

Simple implementation of the Ugly Sweater Dress Code into your school's policy will certainly result in higher test scores and graduation rates for the straight male student body, and itchiness and overheating on all the female student bodies, thereby contradicting the very purpose of wearing a tank top to school in the first place:  because it's hot.  Too hot in school to wear a sweater and still be able to perform on standardized tests and focus in class.  But who cares whether girls are too uncomfortable in their uniforms to attend school in the first place?  If you can't stand the heat, get back in the kitchen and make me a sandwich, ladies, AMIRITE?!?  This debate is all about a boy's right to an undistracted learning environment, free from being impeded by the sexually tempting visage of women he shouldn't be objectifying in the first place! 

Ugly Sweaters, Hooray!

Tuesday, September 29, 2015

Immobile Bar

The group I camped with at Burning Man has - get ready - a mobile bar!!  Yeah, it's a small bar, on wheels, that can roll up to parties and supplement the existing bar with more drinks.  Don't you know that Burning Man is basically a week-long 24/7 open bar party?  Oh boy do I miss that part.  Sometimes, they squirt shots of infused vodka from plastic toy syringes into your mouth (Thanx, Dr. Playa!), sometimes they fill your cup with free champagne, sometimes (okay, multiple times) you swing by The Pickle Joint on the way home for briney infused beverages.  But back to our mobile bar!

Tuesday was HOT HOT HOT.  A minor dust storm and a schedule snafu left a steamy afternoon in their wake.  A few of us back at camp had the idea to take the bar down the street, where another bar was slingin' homebrews from homebros.  Just down the street!  A couple camps away!

Then, tragedy struck.  While pulling the bar up, one tire ran over something sharp (?) and split in two.  What followed was utterly hilarious:

US:  Hey!  Do you guys want a drink?!
PATRONS:  No thanks, I'm already drunk, but do you need any help with that tire?
US:  Okay, do you want a drink?
PATRONS:  No thanks, I already have one, but I could jack up your bar and take a look at that tire.

WOW.  This is what I mean when I say Burning Man is a bizarro world.  Can't give away a free drink, but everyone bends over backwards to help you with a flat tire.  Seriously.

Humbled, we rolled our fully-stocked bar back home where it sat, having dispensed zero drinks.  Is it bad when the only one who gets tipsy at your bar is the bar itself?  From that flat tire, that is?  Womp womp.

Okay, cut to the very next day.  Not to be defeated, even by a day-long dust storm, we passed out mad drinks to people passing by on the street.  Our theory was, it's too dusty to go out to drink, but as long as you're passing by...  Well, we didn't have to twist many arms to take drinks as people struggled to make their way home from the day.

THEN, a miracle happened:  at the camp across the way, a lovely couple happened to get married!  A quick sign on some scrap cardboard and bada-bing, we became their wedding reception!  I, by this time in history, had had a few (okay, one Bloody Mary) and was tipsy myself.  But I still did shots with the groom's sister (who insisted "all the ladies at this bar right now have to do a shot...of something!" and mine was highly-concentrated Gatorade but I think it still counted).  At sunset, we formed a circle around the couple in the center of the road and danced around them! 

The moral of this story is that a mobile bar can be just as much fun and adventure...even if it doesn't go anywhere!

Monday, September 28, 2015

Greenpointing II

Four months after moving to Greenpoint and the weather is perfect.  Just right to go kick some things off the Greenpoint bucket list!  You know, explore as far as possible, eat at the restaurants you  keep saying you're going to, and drink Bloody Marys because that's what weekends are for.

The day started after noon (obviously) with a trip to the tip:  lunch at Ashbox, on Ash Street, which is between (get ready you're gonna freak out) Ash and Box streets on Manhattan Ave!  Was your mind completely blown just there?  My salad was creative, colourful, delicate, and delightful - just like Ashbox itself!  But I think where it's really at is the Onigiri - rice wrapped in seaweed, warm and flavourful.  I can see many cold-weather ventures up to Ashbox for tea and onigiri in the future!

The wind blew cold, but the skies were bright, and after stopping to pet a very domineering beagle mix in a sweater (DOGS IN SWEATERS ALREADY AIN'T COMPLAININ), we saw the Newtown Creek, Brooklyn Ice Cream Factory, and a cute park (more dogs in sweaters) and it became clear that it was Bloody Mary time.

Enter Lobster Joint.  As soon as we stepped inside, the smell of butter and seafood made this place a new entry on the Greenpoint Bucket List.  I'm hell-bent to go back sometime for a full meal, because this Bloody Mary was THE BOMB.  Perfectly spicy and THERE IS A LOBSTER CLAW ON IT.  Waving, "Hello, I'm your delicious Bloody Mary!  I'm spicy and full of booze and you won't be able to feel your nose when I'm done with you!"

So tipsily we stumbled into Eastern District because they had this window display of bears picking cheese off trees.  You know, like you do.  We picked up some soft cheeses of our own, and fancy cider to enjoy laterrrr.  By this point we were basically drunkenly shopping and headed back homeward with a pit stop at Kimchi Market where we were able to taste kimchi and pickled squid and oh yeah some more treats to bring home and oops passed out and slept until 7:00pm.  It's Saturday, and I didn't have to work.  That's all the excuse I need.

But the adventures continued!  Having made such progress today already on the Greenpoint Bucket List, I suggested getting dinner at "that place down the road we keep meaning to go to" "you mean the Malaysian place?"  Well, not really.  No.  We were both wrong.

Having got turned around, we followed a shih tzu into a grocery store and found *gasp* My New Favourite Local Market.  I can't believe what a productive day of wandering this was!  I even got to thank the shih tzu myself in the coffee aisle (WARNING:  do not feed coffee to your shih tzu) for leading us to this market with amazing products, great prices, and the best atmosphere I can't even get over it.  Freddy's Market, get ready to see lots of me, making heart-eyes-emoji face at you.

We finally found the place!  You know, THAT place?  Selamat Pagi, a Balinese restaurant, one block further away than we thought - OOPS!  BUT - this place was incredible.  Not only did we feel the warm welcome despite arriving at 8:00 on a Saturday night for dinner, their menu is outrageous, the food was beyond belief, and the vibe was cozy and perfect.  Pictured above is the green papaya salad, which was rich and flavourful and the best I've ever tasted.  I ordered the Pumpkin Curry, of course, and it was flawless.  Not pictured is the creme brulee we had for dessert - my first creme brulee EVER and I couldn't stop saying how delicious it was the whole time I was desperately licking it out of the dish.  Does anyone wanna come with me to Selamat Pagi to give me an excuse to come back again like, now???

All this is basically to say, I had an amazing Saturday poking around my home turf.  I love Greenpoint so, so much, and I feel like the luckiest human in the world to be able to call it home!  Its amazing how charming and familiar it feels while constantly being exciting and surprising at the same time!  Makes me want to spend all my time Greenpointing around town!!

Saturday, September 26, 2015

Sunday Stealing: Really Random Meme

This week was truly wonderful!  It got off to a slow start but by Wednesday, I was crushin' it! 

Wednesday night we celebrated a friend's birthday at this super divey karaoke bar and I overcame my fear of singing alone AND realized my dream of singing "Promises in the Dark" all at once.  Oh man, that was magical!  

Then the following night I volunteered at an event for the City Reliquary, a quirky local museum containing, among other things, a shrine to Jackie Robinson, an actual newsstand, and one of the largest collections of Statue of Liberty miniatures.  It was like an I Spy of New York stuff (I Spy the 2nd Avenue Deli sign!) and the event was an absolute blast. 

Last night we attended a dinner party and checked out a cute local bar with live jazz band and the vibe was so Casablanca I fell totally in love and will probably go again tomorrow! 

On deck for this weekend:  relaxing, Bloody Marys (I hope hint hint), square dancing, maybe some lovely strolls around town in the nice cooler weather and OH YEAH some Sunday Stealin'!  Let's go!

Do you believe that Walt Disney is really frozen?   Yeah probably but that's not the real worst of it!  Did you hear the rumour that Walt was a Nazi sympathizer?  Now maybe I've just heard it said too many times not to believe it's true, but I wouldn't put it past him...

Do you believe its easy to forgive and forget?   Noooooooooooooooo.  That's why therapy is worth every penny!

When you feel like running away from it all who do you call?   I would text my "brother" who listens and keeps me grounded, which is a nice way of saying he points out my hypocrisy but I still love him!

Is there anyone who knows your entire life story?   Yeah, he probably does, we've known each other forever!

Have you had to have stitches at all in the last year?   I've never had stitches at all!  They kind of freak me out, to be honest.  I really hope I never need stitches because the idea of sewing yourself shut is gross to me and looks PAINFUL.

Which is coming next: Christmas or your birthday?   Christmas, which tbh, I don't even like anymore.  It's so stressful making everybody happy that I never get what I want/need out of the "holiday" so I just get drunk and try to get through it.

Have you ever been a clown for Halloween?   An infant-sized clown costume has been passed around my family for the past generation and I'm sure I probably wore it at some point.

What time did you go to bed last night?   Like, 2:00am??  We were out at that cute jazz club until 1:00, and definitely didn't go right to sleep.

When did you get up this morning?   9:00ish, and spent an hour cleaning up and reading an article on The Atlantic that I started reading YESTERDAY, but was so totally worth it.

When was the last time it rained?   I think it rained earlier this week?  Maybe Monday?

Are your finger nails painted at the moment?   Yeah, but they're kind of boring - just a dark burgundy colour on all the nails.  I don't know what I was thinking.  I do want to paint my toenails lime green though, which I may do right after I post this...

Do you ever go hunting/fishing?   Nope.  I would never go hunting anyway, but fishing has surprisingly never come up.  I have in the past caught frogs (I'm actually better than I think at grabbing a frog mid-jump gently and letting him go again) and have participated in a "Nail Gun Shooting Range" and performed better than I thought I would have!

Did you have an imaginary friend as a child?   I probably did, but can't remember specifics - clearly he/she didn't make a strong impression!  I read voraciously, and that fed my imaginary internal world.  I would imagine plots of Babysitter's Club books that never happened, or what it would be like to meet them, or alternate endings to Goosebumps novels, or imagine myself in the worlds of the American Girl series.  I guess you could say these were all imaginary friends?  Or that I coulda been huge on the fanfic circuit!  Alas, I came too early...

Which parent do you look most like?   Overall, I hear that I look like my mom a lot, but I definitely have my dad's nose.  Possibly in addition to my mom's nose.  I have quite an ambitious nose.  I have nose to spare.  Anybody want some spare nose?

Do you have any friends who are famous?   Talk to my boyfriend, he's the one with all the connections!  No, just kidding, I don't have any friends who are "famous" but the whole question irks me.  Are "famous" people inherently better? 

Do you use eBay to buy or sell?   I don't think I've actually ever used Ebay, but my love for Amazon is deep and...problematic. 

Is music a daily part of your life?   Not really.  Which is sad.  And not so sad!  Now it's kind of a special thing.  I'll put on some music in the evenings while cooking dinner and try to force - er, coerce - er, seduce?  My boyfriend into dancing with me.

Is your self esteem high or low?   Oh it's TERRIBLE.  It's like, BELOW LOW.  It's probably the lowest you can imagine.  You know how they say "America doesn't have a problem with poverty, because we're a nation of soon-to-be-millionaires"?  That's kind of how I feel about self esteem.  Like, I hate myself, but I maintain the glorious hope that someday I won't?  I may be lying in the gutter, baby, but I'm looking up at the stars!

Friday, September 25, 2015

5 Fandom Friday: Girls Just Wanna Have Pumpkin!

It's that time of year!  Time for Pumpkin Everything.  Ornamental gourds?  CHECK.  Coffee-flavoured beverages?  CHECK.  Grab your nearest infinity scarf and strap on those black leggings, it's time to go pumpkin picking!  Not real pumpkins, hello, what do you think this is, Long Island?  Aw.  Hell.  Naw.  This is Brooklyn, not to be confused with any such thing as Long Island*.  You gotta go for the next best thing:  Licensed Pumpkin Product Merchandise: 

1.  Pumpkin Spice Latte M&Ms exclusively at Target  so I made the trek a couple weeks ago to Atlantic Terminal Target.  Sniffed everything in their "department of scented candles," kept myself limited to just TWO pairs of these sexy thick socks right inside the door

(dammit, Target!  Why you gotta play me like that huh?) and scoured the whole store for the Pumpkin Spice Latte M&Ms that can only be found at Target this season.  While I'm not sure if they really taste like pumpkin...or latte...(although my boyfriend seems to think they do), they definitely taste GOOD.  It's a classic milk chocolate M&M flavour, but BIG, and I don't necessarily think that's a bad thing.

2.  Sweet Cinnamon Pumpkin Candle from Bath & Body Works  I adore this scent.  I've been eyeing the candley version for some time!  Well, it would seem the stars aligned in my favour when I found a Bath & Body Works gift card while cleaning and organizing my stuff after the move.  I brought it, and a coupon, and got this candle for like 70% off!  And another coupon!  Keep playing me like your retail marionette, Bath & Body Works.  I'll keep coming back for more.  But, back to this candle.  I love the three-wick candles because they really light up a room with that glow, and they really stink up your apartment good with that spicy sweet smell!  A+++++! 

3.  Pumpkin Ice Cream from Trader Joe's
  is the ULTIMATE pumpkin ice cream.  It just makes me happy, OKAY. 

4.  Canned Pumpkin for my favourite recipe  now is the time to stock up!  During the next few months, canned pumpkin for my favourite Pumpkin Curry is easily available in stores!  I should get some soon, and give my poor hardworking boyfriend a break from cooking for me!  If you like spicy, vegetarian cooking, check out this recipe!  It's as easy as opening cans and turning on your stove, I promise!  If I can do it...

5. It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown  okay, this isn't really a pumpkin product, per se.  But my autumnal experience would be incomplete without reciting the dialogue along with the Peanuts gang and this classic cartoon holiday special!  "You didn't tell me you were gonna kill it!  Augh!"  and who can forget:  "I got a rock."  It's the most sincere of all holiday specials, the most sincere!

In summation, fall is the time for everything pumpkin and unless you're a loser, you love pumpkin too.  Hell, even Teddy Bear, the talking porcupine, loves pumpkin!  So get on the damn pumpkin bandwagon and ride that crazy train basic bitches (until it's peppermint mocha season, of course)!!

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