I don't know about you, but email kind of confounds me. I have no problem walking up to a complete stranger, with a wave and a smile, and being my fumbling, charming self. But email doesn't let you do that! You have to convey so much with so little, it's instantaneous, and too easy. It's always with you, so procrastinating on writing an email just reminds you of your anxiety constantly. And once you finally DO send that electronic missive, you check obsessively for a response, because you know the recipient is constantly carrying around their email device too, so why are they not responding to you, oh no, why am I so awkward kjfdksjkdf !!!!!
So I thought, in the interest of practice, I would try out some emails here before I send them to make sure I'm not doing it all wrong:
Dear Fellow Blogger:
You don't know me, but I feel like I know you because I just spend two hours reading back through the archives of your blogs. I liked your haircut from last February, by the way. I think we would hit it off and you'd really like me if you got the chance to know me so I don't see why we shouldn't swap blog ads? You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours, though of course we wouldn't be actually scratching backs, because that would be weird, because I just met you through the internet, and not even that, really, I just left a ton of comments on really old entries so of course you already know I've been creeping your archives for hours.
Attached: please read my blog!
Hope to hear back from you!
Dear Tattoo Artist:
The most any of us can hope to grasp of "forever" is our own lifetime. Tattoos last a lifetime. Therefore, I have chosen you to make a bodily commitment with me that will last a lifetime...
Dear Scheduling Supervisor,
Please don't schedule me to work on Sunday because
Is that cool?
Employee of the Month, November 2012,